


But I'm a Boy

by DarkMadjick



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2018-09-11 22:11:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9036368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkMadjick/pseuds/DarkMadjick
Summary: Luke knew he was in the wrong when he cheated on Michael. He kissed someone else, but whenever he looks up advice, it says he's been assaulted. He didn't want it, but he can't have been assaulted. He's a boy.(Or Luke gets assaulted and Michael thinks he cheated on him)**TRIGGER WARNING**





	1. I'm Sorry

He was 12 when he first heard the word. " _“assault.”_ His mom's best friend had been talking to them about dating, when she brought up the topic. He hadn't understood, so she decided to clarify.

"Assault is when a boy forces a girl to do something inappropriate. Like sex." His mom made sure to make it very clear how important it was that if Luke was to ever "be intimate" with a girl, he had to be 100% sure she was interested. Luke so badly wanted to ask her if anything was different if he was to be with a boy, but he wasn't ready to come out yet, so he kept it quiet.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was about 3 years later, when he finally came out, and got his first boyfriend. His family had accepted him and he was so glad. And 1 year until he heard the word again, this time the topic was much more serious, because it had turned out that her sister had been assaulted, and was going to court the next day. 

"Men can be so entitled." He had heard his 17 year old cousin tell his mom. "They go around behaving like complete asses then get violent when women don't put out. And men complain about how hard their lives are. Oh boo hoo. You can't wear a fucking skirt? Well at least you don't have to worry about being fucking assaulted." His mom nodded in agreement. He felt uncomfortable, so he just texted Michael while she ranted, but her words left a mark on him. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Luke felt so uncomfortable. Cashton had dragged him to this party, and then disappeared on him. Michael wasn't here because he was studying at home, and he wished he stayed with him. 

He decided to leave, but before he could, he felt someones hand on his shoulder.

"Hi." An unfamiliar voice had said.

"Oh, uh I was- I was just heading out actually." Luke stammered. He wasn't sure why, but this guy was giving him a bad feeling, and he just wanted to go home.

"Can't you stay just a little longer? I'm bored and you seem like a nice person to talk to." He walked a bit closer to him, putting his hand on his chest. 

"U-Uh th-that's u-h ok-okay b-but I-I h-have a b-boyfriend." He said, trying to get this mans hand off his chest. He only pushed harder, leaving his squashed against the wall. 

"N-no seriously I-I h-have a b-boyfriend p-please j-just-" He was cut off as the stranger forced his lips against his. He stood, frozen, feeling helpless as the stranger made out with him in the corner. As soon as the stranger pulled away, Luke wiped his lips. The strangers hand pulled away from his chest, and he instantly took off. Not wanting to spend another minute in this place, he took off, darting down the driveway and searching frantically for his car. He didn't want to go to Michaels anymore, he just wanted to go home. He felt dirty, and he just wanted to change into some fresh clothes, and forget about what had happened.

That wasn't the case, as about an hour after he got home, he got a text.

As soon as he saw what it was, he wanted to be sick. 

Calum had sent a picture of the stranger kissing him in a group chat to Ashton and Michael. He raced to the bathroom, and was sick. His hands were shaking, and he could barely push down on the lever. 

He went back to his bed to see a text from Michael.

**I'm coming over.**

He could tell Michael was upset, because the grammar was good, and he didn't use any of the emoticons he always made fun of Michael for using. 

It was about 5 minutes later that he heard the front door open, and someone dashing up the stairs to his bedroom. Michael opened the door, and Luke curled up into himself, not able to look him in the eye. It was an awkward 5 minutes of silence, before Luke worked up the courage to speak.

"Hey."

"Hey? Is that all you have to say to me?" Luke shrugged his shoulders. "I-I can't believe you Luke. I honestly thought I could trust you. I thought you actually cared about us."

"Michael I-"  
  
"Save it Luke. I just can't even look at you. How many times has this happened before?"

"It hasn't I-"  
  
"You know what? I- I really don't care." Michaels eyes began to fill with tears, and Luke so badly wanted to wipe them away, to wrap his arms around him, and tell him that it wasn't real. "I just figured I should tell you this in person. I'm done. I can't be with you anymore."

Luke couldn't speak. He was frozen on the bed, as Michael turned and left.

"I'm sorry." Luke whispered as Michael walked out of Luke's room. He heard the door slam, and began to cry. He vigorously rubbed the tears away.  _I don't deserve to cry._ He thought to himself.  _I'm a horrible person._

He looked at his phone again, the image being the first thing he saw. He kissed someone else. That was wrong, he knew it. But he also sort of didn't understand. Was it wrong if he didn't want to kiss him? He hadn't been assaulted. Boys can't be assaulted. 

Shaking, Luke wrapped himself up in his bed, and turned off his light. He didn't sleep well that night, afraid of having to face Michael, Calum and Ashton at school tomorrow, but he knew his mom wouldn't let him stay home unless he gave her a good reason. He didn't have one. He fucked up. So he turned off the lights and cried himself to sleep. 

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School had been horrible the next day. None of the boys could even look at him, so he kept his hood up, and headphones in for most of the day.

At lunch he wasn't sure what he was going to do. He couldn't sit with his friends, that was for sure, so he decided to eat his lunch in the bathroom. Or sit in the bathroom, trying not to cry until he heard the bell ring. It was all going  _swell._ (Swell in this case meaning horrible) Until Calum had to come in. Luke couldn't bare to look at him, as he heard him grab what sounded to be a shit ton of paper towels. But before he could leave, he spoke.

"Calum?" His voice was small, and fragile. "Is he okay?"

"Like you would care." Luke looked up to see Calum glaring at him.

"I-" Luke cut himself off. He didn't actually know what he wanted to say. 

"Is there anything else you want to add, or can I go? He's kind of a mess." 

"Can you tell him I'm sorry?"

"No."

And just like that, Calum was gone. He felt tears welling up in his eyes, and he pulled his legs up to his chest, and cried. He heard the bell ring, but he couldn't find the capacity to care. In his brain, his entire world was crashing around him, and it was his fault. If he had just pushed the boy away, if he had just made it a little clearer that he wasn't interested, he could be sitting with Michael right now, fighting about stupid things like which superhero was the best, or which bands were the best. 

He decided once more to try and look up advice, maybe find someone who had done the same thing as him so that he didn't have to face this alone, but all he could find were advices for dealing with assault.

 

He couldn't have been assaulted.

 

He's a boy.

 

 

 


	2. You’re wrong.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> me: next chapter up soon
> 
> also me: tAKES A FRICKIN YEAR TO UPDATe
> 
> hey i keep my promises

Luke wasn't Luke anymore. His blue eyes were faded to a dull grey, and his bright skin had faded. His ribs were slowly beginning to poke from out of his skin, and his hair lay flat on his head. He couldn't focus in class, he couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Everywhere he turned, he was haunted by the stranger, and by Michael; his broken eyes, the way his lip trembled, it was overwhelming him. Luke had become used to his hands shaking, and his eyes dropping. It had become his new normal. No one noticed. His mom and dad were busy with work, and his brothers were his brothers. Inattentive. He didn't care really. He didn't need anyone. He made his bed, and now he would have to lie in it. The scars were proof he wasn't handling it very well. 

But his panic began to raise as he saw the boy walking down the hallway. He held his breath, and prayed hopelessly he wouldn't see him. The whole week every time he was alone with this kid, he'd be kissed, pushed against the wall, touched in places he didn't want to be touched. It happened too often. It was going to happen again.

He kept his head down, as he felt his back slam against the lockers. He struggled, but weakly. This kid was stronger than him, and Luke knew it. He'd given up. Luke could taste his breath, and it made him want to barf. Footsteps from the hallway, made him back up, but not before they could see them together.

Luke swore as he saw Michael, Ashton, and Calum, seeing what looked like him moving on. 

Michael's eyes were no longer broken. They were burning. His gaze cut scars into Luke, and he knew that that face would creep up on him in the dark. Ashton's was almost as bad; a look of disappointment. But Calum's was the worst. Calum's held concern. It made Luke want to barf again. He didn't want any  _fucking_ sympathy. Luke held his head down, and walked out as fast as he could.

Arriving home wasn't quiet as he had expected. His mom sat on the couch waiting for him. Her eyes contained concern too, but this wasn't just concern. They were worried. He stared at her, and she stared back, seemingly endlessly. Neither one of them knew what to say.

 "Hey Luke." She said finally. "How've you been?"

"Pretty good." Luke said, praying his voice wasn't betraying his words.

"What do you want for dinner?"

"Not hungry." That was a lie. Luke was starving so bad his ribs felt like they were ripping through his flesh. But he knew he wouldn't be able to eat anything, without barfing it up later at night.

"Alright. Well I have some leftovers if you do get hungry."

"Okay." Was all Luke could think to say. He turned to escape this.. Whatever this was, but before he could, his mom called out

"Luke, wait!" In a voice that Luke vowed never to hear again. Her worry, her panic, her sense of worthlessness came together and she sounded  _broken._ He turned back to her, with a pool of guilt pulling at his gut and making him feel warm.

"What is it?"

"Please, just. Watch a film with me? Do homework? Just stay downstairs for a bit. I've been an awful mother the past week, and I want to make it up to you." Luke sighed, but gave in. Just some TV. It wasn't an intervention.

\--------

An hour later it became an intervention. Luke's palms began to sweat even before his mom brought up the topic. He could sense she was steering towards it, after she spent a good 15 minutes talking about her friend who killed himself 3 years ago. 

 "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." 

"Please don't lie to me Lukey. I can tell you haven't been sleeping. Sweetie, you walk around like a zombie now and it's scaring me."

"Mom. Seriously. I'm completely okay."

Liz sighed and turned back to the TV, seemingly accepting defeat before:

 "Did Michael do something? To hurt you? Because if he did I-"  
  
"No! Fuck- I mean god no!"

"Are you sure? Because I can have Jack or Ben-"

"Mom I'm the one who fucked up!"

Liz looked up in surprise. Luke took her silence as a chance to explain. 

 "Uh, a- at the party? I went to last week. There was a guy. And uh. Sh- stuff happened, and Calum must have gotten the wrong idea, and took a photo and Michael got mad and yeah."

"And yeah? What 'stuff' do you mean exactly?"

Luke squeezed his eyes shut, as the taste of the boy came back into his mind. He remembered the beer, the sweat, most of all, he remembered how repulsive it was. Michael had been his first kiss. He never realized that kissing could be so  _disgusting._

He wasn't sure how to explain it to her. It it cheating if the person kisses you? Is it a misunderstanding? He felt sweat beading on his forehead, as he thought about how he could have pushed the boy off, said no more clearly. If he wasn't so fucking drunk. Was he drunk? He couldn't even remember. He couldn't tell what actually happened anymore. His nightmares had blurred reality, until it was hazy and white. Then one word appeared in his mind. " _Assault._ " God, he hated that word. He hated how everywhere he turned, every piece of advice he looked up told him that it was assault. It wasn't.  _Men can't be assaulted._ But Luke wasn't sure anymore. He looked up at his mom, waiting patiently for an answer, and Luke, with the sour taste of bear and hate smeared on his lips, finally asked;

"Mom? Can boys be assaulted?" His voice was quiet. He was more vulnerable than he had been in- than he had ever been. His insomnia shaking turned into full blown panic shaking, where his hands wouldn't stop moving. He tasted salt on his lips, and realized there was a tear or two on his cheeks. His mom looked stunned. Her face was almost dead white. No words came from her, and it was agonizing. Luke needed an answer. He  _needed_ it. He scratched at his arm, and winced. He remembered what he had done to himself the nights before, in an attempt to forget, and scratched harder. 

"Yes. God, of course yes." She said finally, and if before she had sounded panicked, now she was in a frenzy. "Luke why would you think otherwise?"

"I-I d" he choked on his words, and didn't speak until a full 5 seconds later. "I just I heard e-everyone talk about how men hurt women and everything and I don't know I guess I just thought that-"  
  
"Sweetie, why did you want to know?"

Luke didn't have an answer. He felt a weight lift from him, but a heavier, more frightening one settle on his chest, as he finally understood what had happened. There was silence for what felt like hours, before Liz decided to guess her own answer.

"Luke. Were you assaulted by that boy?" And that. Hearing it out loud, caused Luke to break down. He couldn't stop himself as he cried, and cried, and cried. Liz, surprised by the outburst, got up and hugged him. They stayed like that for minutes, before Luke finally spoke.

"Me and Michael broke up." His voice was so small, and weak that he was surprised that it was him.

"Does Michael." Liz stopped, realizing she had to pick her words very wisely. "Does Michael know the boy came onto you?"

No answer. There was nothing Luke could say. And even if there were words he could use, his throat seemed to be swallowing his tongue. They stayed hugging as Luke sobbed, and as Luke calmed, Liz would not let go. It wasn't until Luke excused himself to bed that he was released.

\-----

 That night was the worst of all.

Guilt, that shouldn't belong to him, but still did, and terror plagued his vision. He saw demonic eyes, darkened by lust and alcohol. He saw Michaels face, again and again, and again. His night was a blur of dreams and yelling and eyes.

 

He couldn't do this anymore.

 

He turned to his clock, with bright red letters reading 12:28 and darted to his bathroom. He collapsed in the corner and sobbed.

His eyes drifted to his razor, and quietly made a prayer his mom couldn't hear him. It was decided. 

He wouldn't live with this guilt.

 

 

He wouldn't live at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is in the works for anyone reading. sorry i’m so incredibly slow


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